Update?

Thought perhaps this blog would come to a slow end. But thought it worth just writing this out for, for no one, but me I suppose.

I am coming up on the two year anniversary of the summer of my discontent. The summer that I helped take care of my father through his last days. Bittersweet to be sure. To be able to give back to my father, to make him breakfast, to help him, to talk to him, to be there when...

My last entry written so long ago still seems to sum up where I am. Still wandering sometimes quite aimlessly, desperate for an anchor to keep me from wandering into a life of panic and desperation.

Yet, I have found that I am resilient, passionate, creative, driven. The arts seem to affect me more deeply than ever.... Powerful movies, books, music, paintings, bring me to biting my lip to hold back tears. Always a resolutely shy person... now I reach out to others, look for companionship, friendship. And yet, I find myself only letting people get so close, but not close enough. Good acquaintances seem to be where I am right now.

Interestingly, my father's death began at finding out about him... but now I have turned the mirror to me. There is good there, potential. There is also sweeping failure, panic. But I am alive... and I continue to strive... seek light, beauty, the good. Can I make a difference. Can I uphold my beliefs, my value, my strength? Can I rise up? Can I stand up for those that need me to? Can I face the mirror and say... you are worthy?

Not yet.